Sometimes I feel sorry for myself. And sometimes I ramble.

Let's just put this out there: I suffer from social anxiety.  Meeting new people is actually really hard for me.  When I was younger it was so much easier for me.  Unlike most teenagers, I found it really easy to be outgoing and make friends.  Now that I am an adult... not so much. I am not sure what it was that changed that.  But the fear of rejection is so much stronger now that I am an adult (if you want to call it that).  Thank God I am not single, because the thought of going on a true first date make me break out in a cold sweat.

Because of this anxiety, I have a hard time making new friends.  As soon as I typed that I laughed a little because I do have new friends, they are just not the kind of friends I would expect to have.  Don't get me wrong, I am very thankful for those friendships, it's just not what I pictured.  All of the new friends I make now are through Dean, or friends I already have.  This means that I end up playing nerdy games, or talking about child rearing.  I feel like I lack friends who are in the same stage of life as me.  And that makes me feel lonely.

It's funny how this post turned out.  I was scrolling through some of my old Facebook posts from when I was sick after my wedding.  So many people commented on my wedding photos leaving their congratulations and well wishes.  Then there were hundreds of people telling me they were praying for me when I was ill, and following my recovery process.  The fact that so many people cared was what started the though process of this post.   I didn't expect it to be such a rambling and mishmash of thoughts.

I don't really have a good way to wrap this up.  I am pretty sure this is the most incoherent post I have ever written.  Maybe I should have waited until my thoughts were a little more clear to post this, but I really needed to get it out.  I am sure I am not the only person who has ever felt this way, and I am sure I will not be the last.  Anyway, this is me ending an awkward post now...