Wednesday, October 8, 2014

4 Down 5 to go

I always thought that I would be one of those women who would post weekly, with pictures of me displaying my belly and a chalk board sign comparing my child to some type of random produce.  But I haven't.  In fact, this is the first time I have written anything since our announcement.   The only photo I have taken is this bathroom selfie at work two weeks ago.  

The reason for my silence is actually two fold.  First of all I have been incredibly ill.  What do I have in common with Kate Middelton?  Hypermesis gravidarum.  Basically my morning sickness is so severe that it is causing some medical complications.  In 16 weeks I have lost 18 pounds (but annoyingly my pants still don't fit), I have needed to get IV fluids twice, and I have basically been miserable.  According to ultrasounds and routine screenings, the baby is growing and developing just fine.  I guess it was a good thing that I was fat before I got pregnant or things would be really bad.  I have still been working as much as I can.  I am so thankful I have such an understanding employer who allows my schedule to be flexible.  My main focus has been keeping my dinner down, and finding ways to make my nightly shots less painful.

The second, and slightly more serious reason these pages haven't been spilling over with cheesy update posts is because I have had a lot of anxiety.  To be frank, I am scared to death.  I'm worried that we may have jumped the gun and started fertility treatments too soon.  I'm worried that our finical situation isn't as solid as it should be, that we don't have a proper home to bring a baby into, that being a working mom will be more emotionally tolling that I can handle.  I am scared that I will have sever postpartum depression and that motherhood in general will be more difficult that I expect.  Then, once I have thoroughly freaked myself out, I feel incredibly guilty.  I wanted this baby more than anything.  I am the one that has always been so good with children and had a "mother's heart".  I was the one who suggested we do fertility treatments.  So shouldn't I be more excited than scared?

After talking with a few of my friends I realized these feeling are completely normal and I am not really going crazy (so they say). Pregnancy isn't always glamorous, in fact for a lot of people it down right sucks!  So, if these freak outs and emotional breakdowns are normal, why doesn't any one talk about them?  I have been so hesitant to share these feelings with people because I didn't want to come across as ungrateful.  I was shocked when our fertility treatments finally worked.  I seriously thought that we would have to go for more invasive procedures and it would take much longer to get pergnant.  So when two lines showed up on that pregnancy test I was happy yes, but I was shocked at the same time.

So that is basically what my first trimester was like.  Between vomiting multiple times a day and regular emotional breakdowns, you can understand why I haven't been quick to document every detail.  I am starting to feel better, both physically and emotionally.  I am so thrilled to become a mother.  I really do believe that it is a role I was born for.  There are so many women who become mothers in much more difficult situations (my mother being one of them) and they turn out fine.  If they can do this, so can I.  I believe this will be the most rewarding challenge of my life.  I can't wait to hold my little blonde love bug in just 5 more months.