Thursday, March 20, 2014

Waiting and Wanting

I have been thinking about this post all day, but I still can't seem to piece it all together.  Actually, I have been thinking about this for months.  I've been a little indecisive about how much of my personal life I share here. Usually I am pretty open, and if you asked I would pretty much tell you anything about my life.  But for some reason, this felt like something I should keep to myself.  Until today.  Today was a super emotional day for me, and I realized that I need support.  So, here I am pouring me heart out on the interwebs.

It's no secret that Dean and I want to be parents.  It is also no secret that my health has a history of being less that stellar.  After everything that happened with my lungs, Dean and I decided that we wanted to become parents.  Things seemed to fall into place just perfectly.  I got a new job with a more flexible schedule, Dean works an opposite shift than me so we wouldn't need a full time sitter, I was off of my "dangerous to babies" medication, and we are looking into get a house within the next year or so.  we decided to go for it, we had no reason not to.

Fast forward 7 months (December) - we are still not pregnant.  So, I decided to bring it up with my doctor when I went in for my least favorite appointment of the year.  He asked me to come in with Dean for a second appointment after doing some blood work and an ultrasound.  So, we did.  And that's where he dropped "the I bomb".  Infertility.  And what's worse - there is no explainable reason why.

Since then, I have gone to numerous doctor appointments, taken multiple drugs, peed on countless sticks, and faced disappointment month after month.

So, here I am.  That's all of this post I was able to logically write.  The rest, the part about how I am feeling, what to do next, how you can help - yeah that stuff I can't seem put into words.  I know I am sad.  I know I am frustrated.  I know that telling me "Your young, you have plenty of time!", or "don't lose faith, God has a plan" actually hurts me more than I would expect it to.

We plan to keep trying for now.  I know that eventually, some day, I will be holding a sweet blonde baby in my arms.  I will look back on this time with much more clarity than I have now.  But tonight I am just sad.


  1. This makes me sad too. Sending you and hug. Love ya.

  2. This makes me sad. I am so sorry that this happening to you. I am sending warm wishes and positive thoughts your way. Hugs.

  3. Waiting can be so hard, especially when there are not many things to *do* about a situation. WIll be thinking of you!

  4. I have walked this journey. I know your pain. Be strong and reach out. Sending you prayer and the light you need to get through this.

    Kelly, via the Weekend Wander at Northeast Bloggers

  5. I'm so sorry dear girl! My heart breaks for you and all women who are struggling to get pregnant. Thanks for linking it up with the Faith and Fellowship blog hop!

  6. praying for you my friend, i'm believing with you.