Waiting and Wanting

I have been thinking about this post all day, but I still can't seem to piece it all together.  Actually, I have been thinking about this for months.  I've been a little indecisive about how much of my personal life I share here. Usually I am pretty open, and if you asked I would pretty much tell you anything about my life.  But for some reason, this felt like something I should keep to myself.  Until today.  Today was a super emotional day for me, and I realized that I need support.  So, here I am pouring me heart out on the interwebs.

It's no secret that Dean and I want to be parents.  It is also no secret that my health has a history of being less that stellar.  After everything that happened with my lungs, Dean and I decided that we wanted to become parents.  Things seemed to fall into place just perfectly.  I got a new job with a more flexible schedule, Dean works an opposite shift than me so we wouldn't need a full time sitter, I was off of my "dangerous to babies" medication, and we are looking into get a house within the next year or so.  we decided to go for it, we had no reason not to.

Fast forward 7 months (December) - we are still not pregnant.  So, I decided to bring it up with my doctor when I went in for my least favorite appointment of the year.  He asked me to come in with Dean for a second appointment after doing some blood work and an ultrasound.  So, we did.  And that's where he dropped "the I bomb".  Infertility.  And what's worse - there is no explainable reason why.

Since then, I have gone to numerous doctor appointments, taken multiple drugs, peed on countless sticks, and faced disappointment month after month.

So, here I am.  That's all of this post I was able to logically write.  The rest, the part about how I am feeling, what to do next, how you can help - yeah that stuff I can't seem put into words.  I know I am sad.  I know I am frustrated.  I know that telling me "Your young, you have plenty of time!", or "don't lose faith, God has a plan" actually hurts me more than I would expect it to.

We plan to keep trying for now.  I know that eventually, some day, I will be holding a sweet blonde baby in my arms.  I will look back on this time with much more clarity than I have now.  But tonight I am just sad.