Thursday, April 3, 2014

My mother would call it stubborn

In the past year or so, I have to come to the realization that I'm a strong person. I don't mean physically strong-I need Dean to open my salad dressing. I mean emotionally strong.  Various people have told me this throughout my life. Employers always told me I was committed, energetic and ambitious. To me that translated to "cool maybe I can ask for a raise" or "my mother always said I was stubborn." The real meaning never really struck me until recently. 

In the midst of a huge emotional breakdown earlier this evening, my husband said these words to me: "you're the most capable person that I know. If you really want something I've never seen you fail to attain it because you don't give up."  Now most levelheaded women would melt at such a compliment. But, at the moment I wasn't a levelheaded woman. I blame the infertility drugs, lack of sleep, and general stress for my bad mood.  But, he ment it sincerely.  I am so thankful for his clarity when I am too emotional to think correctly. 

This perfectly represents what Dean is to me. 

My ambition is something that I sometimes really dislike about myself.  Failure hurts no matter who you are. My try try again attitude often means more opportunities to fail. Sure, I'll pick myself up,  bandage my wounds and go right back at it, but that process is so exhausting.  There are days when I feel like I'm never going to succeed and I can't tell you how many times I've been longing to throw in the towel. Those are the days that I do nothing but lounge around in yoga pants eating cheese and binging on Netflix. Then, once I have fulfilled a successful pity party, I start over again.  So, here's to new beginnings. 

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