we won't accept NO

First of all, I want to say thank you for a the well wishes, and prayers. From your comments, to emails, and text messages I felt so loved.  I was really apprehensive to publish such a personal struggle. But I am so glad that I did, because I realized that a lot of my friends have gone through the same thing and now have multiple children.  It gives my dying hope a little bit to feed off of, and this past week that was greatly needed.  

I have received a lot of emails asking me what I have tried and if I ever heard of such and such all natural method, and all sorts of other recommendations.  Without going into a lot of detail I will say that I tried a few natural methods before going to the doctor, they all failed.  Yes, I have had my thyroid checked.  Yes, they tested me (twice) for PCOS and a whole slew of other things.  Supposedly, everything is "within normal limits".  I am on my second cycle of a second kind of medication and it seems to be failing.  I will say that I have a lot of confidence in my doctor, and he has a lot of confidence that I will become pregnant.

I understand that there are a lot of families out there that have struggled for much longer than we have.  And I get that it's not over yet.  Often times my emotional understanding (or lack there of), gets in the way of my logical thinking. But, I'm human, that is bound to happen.  I have good days and bad.  Yesterday was a bad day.  Yesterday I had to take a sick day and stay home.  It was a pretty emotional weekend for me, and I woke up with a killer migraine that wouldn't let up.  I stayed in bed most of the day. The last time I was in bed most of the day was when I had just gotten out of the hospital.  The fact that it was my birth control that caused me to get so sick a year and a half ago, is kinda like rubbing salt in my wound now.  BUT, today was good.  I was super productive at work, I got girl scout cookies from a co-worker, and had a rather uplifting conversation with my boss.  Doctors told my boss and his wife point blank that they would never have kids of their own.  Well, his wife is pregnant with their second child.  He would not take no for an answer and neither will we.

Waiting and Wanting

I have been thinking about this post all day, but I still can't seem to piece it all together.  Actually, I have been thinking about this for months.  I've been a little indecisive about how much of my personal life I share here. Usually I am pretty open, and if you asked I would pretty much tell you anything about my life.  But for some reason, this felt like something I should keep to myself.  Until today.  Today was a super emotional day for me, and I realized that I need support.  So, here I am pouring me heart out on the interwebs.

It's no secret that Dean and I want to be parents.  It is also no secret that my health has a history of being less that stellar.  After everything that happened with my lungs, Dean and I decided that we wanted to become parents.  Things seemed to fall into place just perfectly.  I got a new job with a more flexible schedule, Dean works an opposite shift than me so we wouldn't need a full time sitter, I was off of my "dangerous to babies" medication, and we are looking into get a house within the next year or so.  we decided to go for it, we had no reason not to.

Fast forward 7 months (December) - we are still not pregnant.  So, I decided to bring it up with my doctor when I went in for my least favorite appointment of the year.  He asked me to come in with Dean for a second appointment after doing some blood work and an ultrasound.  So, we did.  And that's where he dropped "the I bomb".  Infertility.  And what's worse - there is no explainable reason why.

Since then, I have gone to numerous doctor appointments, taken multiple drugs, peed on countless sticks, and faced disappointment month after month.

So, here I am.  That's all of this post I was able to logically write.  The rest, the part about how I am feeling, what to do next, how you can help - yeah that stuff I can't seem put into words.  I know I am sad.  I know I am frustrated.  I know that telling me "Your young, you have plenty of time!", or "don't lose faith, God has a plan" actually hurts me more than I would expect it to.

We plan to keep trying for now.  I know that eventually, some day, I will be holding a sweet blonde baby in my arms.  I will look back on this time with much more clarity than I have now.  But tonight I am just sad.

I hope the "church" dies with him.

Of course the first post I publish in weeks will be slightly controversial.  In case you haven't heard, Fred Phillips, the founder of the Westboro Baptist Church, in on his death bed.  It's not a big surprise that there are people saying his funeral should be protested.  But let me ask you something, What does that prove?  That the world is full of as much hate and anger that this man taught? Personally, I hope it is a quiet, empty funeral, and I hope that none sink to the level that this man and his followers have done, in some vain attempt to achieve some sick, twisted form of justice. I hope his "church" dies with him.

Truthfully, I feel a little sorry for him. He choose to live a life of hate, to the point of pushing some of his family members away, he has led his followers to believe a perverse and twisted form of the "gospel", and has led countless others to hate Christianity, because all Christians must act like him....right? So, I feel sorry for him. I do not wish what I believe he will encounter when he passes over on my worst enemy.

“Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him if a great millstone were hung around his neck and he were thrown into the sea."

I cannot and will not celebrate his death, I believe these will be the last words he will hear before descending into hell, damned forever for rejecting the redeeming grace and love of our blessed Savior...... "Depart from me for I never knew you"

I'll admit, there is a part of me that wants to go dance on his grave, that wants his followers to know the hate they showed to so many. But there is another part of me that realizes, and grieves, at a soul that has willfully and knowingly chosen to reject the grace of salvation offered, to pervert a message of love into one of hate, his torment will be beyond anything we can imagine.

This is not something to celebrate, merely something to note, let him die, and let it be, lest we become the very monsters we detest.